知错

为什么长这么大还要被骂。

因为明知故犯，因为不守规矩，才会被批评。

明明人家讲热汤热水不能直接倒进种植花草的泥土里，但是我偏偏贪方便在akha的面前做出这样的丑事。结果被讲了一下，心里是很不爽，也很不甘愿的那种。然而我的真人告诉我，我真的做错事了，如果我不认错我只会变得更幼稚，更可恶，更没有道德的一只迷途羔羊。

这件事警惕了我，必须时时反省，感恩，守矩。

犯错之后常常觉得自己是个坏人，更让自己讨厌的是为什么别人总认为我是个善良的人，而自己却很清楚知道其实自己的心是多么的黑暗。那种扮好人的假人，跟鬼有什么两样。我是臭鬼。。鬼鬼鬼！！！

我下定决心，一定要成为一个实实在在的好人，不许作出一些伤害自己良心(真人)的事。

写完了，心也安了。

death = eternity

i received a msg from siew meei when i was studying with shien juin yesterday afternoon. in the msg, it's written like this, "敬慈, 国瑛走了.." at first i thought she's leaving for somewhere to further her studies but the msg was too short n creepy. i didn't have the good feeling about it, thus i made a call to siew meei.

kok ying just passed away in that afternoon.

i couldn't accept the fact, how could she die.. she's LAI KOK YING!!!!!!!!! she was so healthy, she was so optimistic, she was so playful, she was so smart..... how could it be.

how much i wish i could fly back to msia now. 'm deeply regret that i never pay a visit to her during last holiday in kk.

i miss her laughes, the way she talked, how she treasured her frens.. my heart scattered into pieces.. i lost another fren. this is the real one. she's no more in this world. together buried with her voice.

i couldn't stop imaging things that might be happened in a sudden, without my knowledge. i'm in pessimism again..(pls slap me) i should have reminded myself that life is...full of unexpectations.

maybe...
the next minute...

i'll fall down with my soup?
i'll be hit by a car?
i'll be stabbed by robber?

maybe...
the next 3 years...

i find myself having anaemia?
i'll be diagnosed that i have hepatitis?
i burn myself in the kitchen?
my nerves get paralyzed?

stupid. well, i prefer i'm the one who get injured or even die b4 any others. coz i'm too selfish.

actually i should be glad that god has brought her spirit back to where she came from right.. that's wat i should think about in spite. fortunately she got the pathway how her spirit should go, otherwise i'll feel guilty very much.

wat's the eternity one? i'd call it the soul. human body is just like a shell, that helps us physically in everything, from crawling until walking until running. but it always comes to an end when the body gets infected, travailed or degraded. the only eternity one will never die, it will go back to the place where it came from if we know where it enters on our body. that's the secret which god is wishing to tell us. i wish i could let more of my frens to know bout this, so that they will know where n how their spirits to be returned to god. it's kinda hard to convince especially ppl from different religions. the eternity one... who could understand? nobody wanna understand.

healthy life is going on

was planning to post this on friday actually but couldn't make use of my time. wasting a lot of precious time on chatting with frens n 客串 here n there.

i start jogging in every early morning with ci-er. wake up at 5:30am everyday! we have yoga after jogging though. =D

finally i got my own tennis racket. gloria, shien juin, evan, shawn n me went for tennis on friday morning. i was so excited to play tennis again, though the sun is really very strong n burning. actually i was scared of getting dark again like in IS last time, haha. there's only sand court in salem, dunno wat's the different compared with clay court, perhaps the bouncing different? anyway, it was my first time playing tennis on sand! well, my tennis is still sucks like when i played with min ren n karen them last time. i know where're my mistakes n i never change it. i never move spontaneously and hit the way that coach had taught for hundred times. anyway, i must learn to be a proper tennis player one day!

we went for lunch after the tennis n continue again in the afternoon. then san nv asked me to go swimming in sona college. wow we swam in india! n swimming during summer is just great enough!!! miss those days swimming with karen last time. swimming is just so calming... i wanna go again next weekend!!

so i had my metabolism rate risen to the highest for the whole friday. i had a good slumber that night...

first time experience

i joined the mix for pool competition with jye. it was one of the sport events held by vinayaka mission college. we won the first game n we got into final. (nobody knew i could play pool till they saw me there). talked a lot with jye while waiting for our turn into final. we talked bout frens in our secondary sch, really miss those days playing pool with min ren them.

the referee told us, "2 min, after this is ur turn"... jye looked at me,"2 min for a pool?" the stupid-childish local took more than 1 hour to complete their POOOOOOoooooL. know y they took so long time? besides dunno how to hold the cue properly they argued for the rules n did watever to make themselves won. every shout made us thought they had completed the game but it's not. it was our turn into the final finally.. i accidentally hit the cue ball into pocket after a strike, then the referee told me, "we have a rule for this game, if u get 3 fouls u'll lose the game. so this is ur SECOND FOUL." i was so blurred y that was our second foul as we din foul anything b4 tat. so angry that my voice is too soft to argue with them. then when the opponent hit the free ball, they said we either have the chance to move the cue ball or hit it twice without moving it. then when it's my turn to hit the cue ball twice they forgot to let me hit the second time, i was squeezed out of the crowd n the opponent thought it was her turn liao. then manveer helped me to argue with the referee, wat the referee said was, "erm..sorry i couldn't do anything." with manveer's direction luckily i hit quite some of the balls into pocket, felt so happy n panic when we still left the black ball. i worry if we would hit the cue ball into pocket again coz we still one foul to lose. i was so careful at every inch but we couldn't change the end... jye hit the black ball n the cue ball fall into pocket. =.=

however, at least we got the second place. n this is my first competition for pool, haha.

went for ping pong competion yesterday with si jie, shien juin n yew jhin. i thought i only played double with si jie but suddenly the ppl came n told me that there're 2 batches for single. wow..i played single! i was quite nervous for the first game n luckily i won! it was really tiring to play when i was feeling nervous. dunno if it was because i went jogging with yin ci in the early morning made me felt so tired after that. but i lose my final...coz i was too tired n panic. i shouldn't listen to how many points i had gotten, i should have tried my best to play in spite. anway, it was still a good news that i won the first place in female double with sijie. she's really a good ping pong player.

this is my first ping pong competition. there are so many 'first time' experiences here.

childish

i knew i had done something wrong again. i thought it is forgiven, but it's NOT. how can i always make my fren going away from me. there're no more use to put all the blames on myself anymore coz it will never gain back the original frienship. ppl has had bad impression on u already wat he sees u are only coward, faker, gossiper, lier, black sheep, rascal, ne'er-do-well.... there's no more turning back. i should have realised that i'm a person like that. such a loser. i'm not going to debate anything. i'm not good in negotiation, not good in keeping secret, not good in holding love that ppl have shared, not good in telling bout my true feelings. shipping...shipping back the one wat we used to have, K? i don want to fall into black again, it's somewhat like a hell that u never have the easy chance to flee away. i enquire my life to be filled with laughs. laughs from the heart. see...it's so far away from me. i'm a derelict.....i'm boycotted?

life with pidc frens

i wanted to post all the pics tat i've taken since at KLIA but couldn't make use of my time. it's a bit out of heat to post all these pics now but, well, sharing is always the best.

taken b4 departed for india

my same bday fren

catcha!

way to international departure hall, uhu~

a staircase outside my room

old thing is pretty.

my first ping pong bat

lois so yeng

li gu! i got ur pic!

hong er is so cute

i really need to go back to my pre-planned time table, which is...make use of every single day for studying, jogging, photography, letter writing, novel reading... i think this is the reason y i couldn't get a well slumber every afternoon n night, i'm feeling sorry for my empty soul.

family in kl

days in kl before i departed for india. we were having a great time, friends and family IS always the greatest thing. they all enjoyed with the 50mm lens, i told pung kim, 'it makes u moving in the pic, can u see it?' but he said, 'well, it's moving meh?' anyway, i feel super happy with my new dslr, hope i can shoot more in india too.

going to watch 10,000 bc

so sad din focus well but i love her innocent look

ice kacang!

we were on a taxi to midvalley

first pic of qiu qiu in my cam

i cant stand it! keep it clean eh..

it's such a memorable..

when i had no models at home

my family in kl

tat's she.

goot posture lowen!

shoot from 4th floor of sunway apartment hostel

ppl say i look younger than her

blur~~~~

she's so photogenic, isn't she?

she seldom dream but the way she dreams is pretty kan.

午雨

此时此刻，我听着claudia's theme，一面冥想着小房间的那扇绿色沙窗帘，在下雨的时分里，我看不见未来的样子。。时间并没有停留在那一刻，我也不可能一直待在那个温室里，我离夫人和爸爸的影子越来越远。。越来越模糊。我很担心，夫人思念我们的痛苦。那个家，一年里，只有几次才有我和妹妹的笑声和吵闹声。

我们长大了，父母也老了。以后再一家团聚时不知会是怎样的一个情景。有一天晚上临睡前，我问夫人，“老了的感觉是怎样的？” 夫人说，“嗯。。老了的感觉啊。。。就是比较会想很多东西，会很想捉住一样东西。但是了解留不住任何东西之后，就比较能放下。”

这次的返归，使我心酸不少。曾经是那么开心的一段日子很快又结束了。

我很喜欢下雨的午后，可是会让我想起孤单的我，我不喜欢这种感觉。

如今，我知道再多的幻想，只会让我失去更多快乐的时光。身为一个有使命的人，我不应该再原地踏步。不应该再想这么多。

happy valentine

i think i had drawn the wrong decision. when u did something rash n stupid at the blur moment, u'd deeply regret when u looked back.

did i look stupid that time?

well, forget bout it.

felt so happy to see hong er's cute look when he got the surprise gift from us. although he din really show much how surprise it was, i knew he was very happy with the big-hug-gable bear, doesn't it look just alike with him? ngek ngek..

i'm thinking back the moment i spent the valentine with mok.. frankly speaking, i think we never have a proper V day b4. last year i was in still in kl n he was in kk, this year i'm in india he's in sg.

am i trying to live against my destiny? don ever oh.

mom said, "focus on study".
aunty told me, "if u don take the decision now, u'll hurt him in the future."
min ren asked me, "y u still don wanna let go?"
jack said, "那就给它继续烂下去吧."
hong er said, "ng de ng diu."

don wanna think so much now, just wanna live my life to the fullest. therefore, let's put away this issue. or u can say i'm escaping the problem, whatever.

found another band to be included into my favourite artists list, it's Incubus. i used to listen to some songs from it last time but dunno who sang it until i opened my music files this morning n the song just pop up from the player n caught my ears. their 'love hurts' quite nice. i love guitar so much! arghh...where's my michelle branch?? where's my keane??

okay, go back to my DM.. uhu~

Happy Valentine to Everyone

考试前后

考完 theory final 已经有两三天了。 说一说考试前后的我。。

roommate 说她重来没有看见我烦恼的样子，除了刚睡完午觉的时候。老实说，其实我是有紧张和压力的哦，最好的证明就是我的肩膀上会贴上 salonpas，要不然就会看到我整天在 library，我是有读书的。

这次的考试，放最多努力的科目是在 anatomy。没有想到选到的 topic 不小心就这样在考卷纸 doink 出来了！上天慈悲，要不是我在 library 遇到 kebo男我可能写不出 air sinus 那篇 essay。缘分和机缘是非常难得的东西，一切都是那么地擦身而过。我相信 "when u want something, the world will conspire to help u achieve it".

去考试前，我真的真的很怕。。。。很怕会半途便便。这是我从小到大最敏感的事。每次一要考很重要的考试，或坐长途 bas 的时候，都会想来想去，就是那种越想越会发生的，比如 mm mmm 的事。三年级时候有一次考试前，我很怕突然肚子痛，然后不久果然肚子痛起来了。那时没有厕纸，考卷又快派下来了，结果就撕了几张练习簿的纸冲去课室后面的 longkang mm mmm.... 我就是这样活到现在。来了 india 也是这样，有一次坐长途 bas 从 bangalore 回 salem 的时候，在车里就一直想着，等下千万不要乱来哦。。。。。 后来，就。。。竟然在路边 mm mmm! 我唯一自豪的一次，就是坐 lcct bas 送 alex 去机场的时候，没有想到 mm mmm 的事，因为太伤心了！

从 UPSR 开始，我就会想考试期间我会不会出水痘。到了 PMR, SPM, UEC，A level(忘了有没有，因为那年伤心过渡)，甚至是现在的 uni exam 我还是会这样想。现在回想起来，原来 law of attraction 是这么一回事 。。。"wat u think will attract wat u want".

实在是扯太远了。。。

dm 和 physio 是我 crap 到最多的两份。希望是可以 pass 的 ;) 我们 3rd batch 全部一定要一起给它 pass 掉。。 如果有一个人离开了，唉。。。想都不敢想。

这几天没有考试的日子真是放纵到极点，不是 online 就是看戏看到早上5点。颓废的人生呀。。讲真，有哪一次是没有放纵自己的时候？太不在乎的人，还是懒散的人？

第一次在国外庆祝农历新年，感觉是不错的。不知做么，每次ｒｏｏｍｍａｔｅ讲她不喜欢在这里庆祝时我一直要强调这一点。昨晚忙了一整天，从选菜切菜开始，越煮越火滚，还不经意地动怒了，我又起心动念了！回想起，真是后悔。林姑终于被发现发脾气的样子了！

到什么时候，才能改变自己的坏习惯。很不喜欢什么都埋藏在心里的。。可是我做不到　ｂｉｌｉｂａｌａ．．还是学习中庸之道吧。

明天是ｐｒａｃｔｉｃａｌ哦。。我总没ｄｕ４书呖！